Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Sign of the Apocalypse #18: Britney has a baby

With this, Britney -- utterly, stupidly pointless Britney -- makes her second SOTA (the first, #2 overall, is here). Yes, Britney "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" Spears is a mother. (I'll pause while you shiver in despair for the future of civilization, if there is one.) According to Us Weekly -- itself utterly, stupidly pointless -- Preston Michael Spears Federline (the assumed name) was born by Caesarean section earlier today. The father (sperm donor, baby daddy) is, of course, Kevin Federline, former Britney back-up dancer, who also has two children with his ex-girlfriend. In fact, the ex was pregnant when Kevin and Britney "met" last year. Now that's classy.

How long do you think it'll be until the Spears-Federline family ends up on Jerry Springer?

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Britney: "I'm gonna be a hot mom." You go, girl. Not that anyone's paying much attention to you anymore, but your self-absorption and obliviousness to your own triviality is just charming.

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Meanwhile, at Britney's official website, there's all the latest on her new fragrance, "Fantasy," that, oh, just happens to be hitting stores (what does that even mean?) tomorrow. Coincidence? Yeah, sure. Would anyone actually buy her so-called fragrance (eau de parc de trailer) if she herself weren't all over the news with her baby? Come on. Don't be so naive.

But, while we're at it, just what is this fragrance? Well, "[i]t was created with all kinds of enchanting scents and flavors like lush red lychee, golden quince, sensual woods and exotic kiwi. It even has a hint of cupcakes, white chocolate and jasmine."

Just enough to cover up your B.O. Just enough to attract a guy like Kevin Federline.

But... cupcakes?

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It's all enough to drive away your last vestiges of sanity.

But here's the good news: My friend Justin and his wife Krista also had a baby today, also by C-section. I'm not sure of the little one's name yet, but, for now, he'll be known as Sign of the Renaissance (SOTR) #2.

Britney as a mom is a lot to overcome, but Justin and Krista have done their best to keep us from inching ever closer to the brink of apocalypse.

Update (9/15/05): The baby's name is Noah.

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