The McCain Presidency -- Day One

By Michael J.W. Stickings

"It's a tough war we're in. It's not going to be over right away. There's going to be other wars... I'm sorry to tell you, there's going to be other wars. We will never surrender but there will be other wars."

-- Sen. John McCain (Jan. 27, 2008)

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Place: The Oval Office
Time: January 20, 2009

Scene: Just hours after being inaugurated, enjoying a moment of quiet in the eye of a storm of Beltway mayhem, President John McCain and Vice President Fred Thompson are having a private conversation, seated in armchairs in the center of the room. We join them in progress...

John: Billy K. is telling me to take preemptive action against Iran.
Fred: I still can't believe you made him secretary of state.
John: He's always stood by me, unlike the rest of the bastards in our party.
Fred: (nodding off) Hmmph, hrrph.
John: Wolfie agrees with him.
Fred: (shaking awake) He's an asshole. Nice move giving him the Pentagon.
John: I'm so tired of you second-guessing me. Just tell me, what should I do?
Fred: (old scripts coming back to him through a haze of consciousness) Iranians don't take a dump, son, without a plan.
John: What the hell do you mean by that? (anger flaring) Wake up, goddamn you!
Fred: This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it.
John: Are you telling me I don't know what I'm doing?
Fred: That stupid, arrogant son-of-a-bitch!
John: (flabbergasted) Who? Me? Jesus Christ, I knew I should have picked Huck. Or Rudy. He's just so insufferable. Maybe Loser... er, Lieberman. The point is, mistakes may have been made. I'm telling you straight.
Fred: What the hell is that supposed to mean? I know we're all dummies up here, McClane, but give us a little taste of your brilliant genius!
John: It's McCain, not McClane, jackass. And here's a taste of my brilliant genius. You're fired!
Fred: This a just a big joke to you, Horrigan?
John: Who? What? Who the hell's Horrigan? (pause) Oh, right. (finally getting it) You know, Fred, maybe your senile laziness will come in handy one day. It's very… Reaganesque. Now where's that Secret Service detail to escort you back home for a nap before all the parties tonight? (looking around)
Fred: What's all this top secret business I've been hearing about over at the Pentagon?
John: (putting his arm around Fred and walking to the door) Never you mind, Freddy-boy, never you mind. I'll take care of everything.
Fred: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………….

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Fred was quoting lines from four of his finest movies: The Hunt for Red October, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, In the Line of Fire, and No Way Out. I'll let you figure out what was what.