right-wing radicals and conspiracy theorists of the Tea Party fringe
revolution didn't embrace reality when President Obama released his
long-form birth certificate last week, a move that, by all legitimate
accounts, was a redundant nail in the coffin on the "birther" issue. As
we saw with the immediate demands for the president's college records,
the duplicitous truth did little to convince the boisterous bigots in
this great nation that a man with a name like Barack Hussein Obama could
ever be a legitimate leader of the free world.
And so it is without surprise that America is forced to accept the emergence of another great conspiracy movement: the Deathers.
is not a joke. No, the paranoid skeptics of all things Obama are not
demanding a long-form death certificate – yet – but they are doling out
conspiracy after conspiracy as evidence that the president's
announcement of the assassination of Osama bin Laden was a hoax at
best and a bald-faced lie at worst.
Surprisingly, the explanations for how and why, though exhaustive, are quite compelling.
timing is too coincidental to go unnoticed, and the sharp minds of our
deep-thinking conspirators didn't miss a beat when it was pointed out
that President Obama announced bin Laden's assassination eight years to
the day from when President Bush infamously declared the end of combat
operations in Iraq under the banner "Mission Accomplished."
that's not enough, the announcement also "happened" to interrupt the
Sunday night episode of Donald Trump's reality TV show Celebrity
Apprentice, which some cognitively elevated theorists interpreted as
the president's way of getting even with Trump for escalating the
controversy over Obama's birth certificate in recent weeks.
course, Obama already landed quite a few heavy blows against Trump at
the Saturday evening White House correspondents' dinner, but that too is
now up for debate as a possible reason for the timely announcement of
bin Laden's death. The president is consistently harassed by the
right-wing media every time he steps out for a round of golf or a few
laps up and down the basketball court – because obviously more pressing
matters are being ignored if the president has time for leisure – and so
it is possible too that Obama was preempting the expected criticisms of
his "night of laughs" by delivering bin Laden's head on a platter the
very next night.
Except bin Laden's head wasn’t delivered on a platter, which brings us to the other conspiracies.
body was dumped in the ocean out of respect for Islamic burial customs,
which the government conveniently cited as its reason for getting rid
of the body within 24 hours. The alleged DNA testing and facial
recognition scans that allegedly confirmed the alleged identity of the
alleged 9/11 mastermind are all that America has to go on as proof that
bin Laden didn't die seven years ago – as some claim; or that he never
existed at all; or that he was a fake enemy created to justify the
government's own role in hijacking planes on 9/11 and crashing them into
the World Trade Center towers and the Pentagon; or that he was frozen several
years ago and kept in a secret (probably underground and
heavily-guarded) location until the political atmosphere in the United
States demanded a public announcement of his death.
where are the photographs of bin Laden's dead corpse? And where is the
video footage of the raid on his compound? And how could the Pakistani
government somehow not know that he was holed up in a million-dollar
fortress in a city full of retired and active-duty military officers?
And isn't it interesting that the announcement coincided with the
kickoff of Zombie Awareness Month?
all seriousness, the conspiracy theorists may not be far off the mark
when they question the truth and timing of Obama's announcement.
and killing the most loathed and feared terrorist on the planet
provides an embattled president with a much-needed boost in the
popularity polls. It buries the argument, prominent among the right-wing
punditry, that Obama is weak and inexperienced not only as a commander
of the military but as a diplomat of a mostly undefined foreign policy
doctrine. Killing the mastermind behind 9/11 will not only boost the
popularity of the president himself; it will also bolster the
president's foreign policy agenda, which most recently added Libya to
the list of Middle Eastern interventions.
importantly, it's approaching an election year, and as we all know,
politicians will do anything to maintain power. That is the real
isn't lying. He didn't thaw bin Laden's frozen zombie corpse only to
throw it in the ocean after an alleged DNA test in order to get a boost
in the polls. Obama's more complex than that. He, too, is a big-picture
kind of guy – a long-term thinker. He ordered the raid and killed the
terrorist and announced the assassination and dumped the body all in one
day because it's too coincidental not to conjure conspiracy theories. It was conspiracy theories he wanted.
He held onto the photos and the videos not because he hoped to thwart a
backlash from al Qaeda radicals – who would surely try to avenge bin
Laden's murder if images of their bloodied leader were published around
the globe – but because doing so would encourage the already
hyper-active, dot-connecting, big-picture puzzling lunatics of the
extreme right to continue chasing invisible fairies on the South Lawn as
the news cameras document the revolution.
that sense, it is a conspiracy. It's a conspiracy to induce
conspiracies so that sane Americans will identify the Republican Party
as the responsible guardian of these idiots – first "birthers," now "deathers" – in the upcoming election.
The Democratic Party's bumper stickers are being shipped out of the press shop now: "Vote Sanity in 2012."
This isn't a conspiracy to trump Trump or get a bump in the polls. It's a conspiracy to get the conspirators conspiring.
Or it's not...
Chew on that a while.
Labels: Barack Obama, Birtherism, conspiracy theories, Osama bin Laden